(Source: 4months-to-be-thin)
Here it goes
So this is me, doing what I can to avoid a binge.
There’s a physical list now, not just one in my head, of things to do at this moment. I’ll say this only because I hope that finally being vulnerable might start to change things. I’ve been going to a psychologist for binge eating disorder since I forced myself to purge six weeks ago. That was a devastating moment when I realized I needed help, that I was in a place I could not stay in and live well.
She helped me write this list. Its got triggers too, and emergency contacts. It says at the top that I should read this when the eating disorder-self starts to take over. So much of our sessions have been dominated by the worry of Jekyll and Hyde; I have a healthy self and a sick self, and I know both of them well.
Right now, the sick self says these things:
It doesn’t matter. Eat well tomorrow. One bite will satisfy you (a lie). Only confidence is important. The day is already ruined. There are such worse vices you could have. Don’t worry so much. It will feel so good.
I feel like an addict.
But I will make these self-fulfilling prophecies different this time. I will not binge. I will treat my sick self with the care and love I would treat a sick friend. I cannot get rid of part of me, so I will fix her gently. I will remind myself that it is not about weight, it is not about appearances. I will remember that the reasons for not binging are these:
It gives my body the respect it deserves.
It feels better physically.
I am worth the health that good habits create.
Grace in this nourishes poise in all things.
Happiness comes from places other than food. Really.
Plus, I’ve just put this out there, so I’m at least a little bit accountable.
If you read this, thank you, it was easy to write and difficult to post but your reading it means it was worth pressing the button.
